Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
