im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
