i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
