She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize