"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
