Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
