I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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