I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
