I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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