you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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