I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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