Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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