All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
