would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
