she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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