I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
