I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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