I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
