Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
