After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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