The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
