I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
