I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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