I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
