i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
