Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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