My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize