I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
