peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm like, not good at living.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
