Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
