Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
