im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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