Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
