Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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