Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
