never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
