My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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