i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
