I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Text me some of your sweat
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
