i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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