got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
