I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
