Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
