You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
