Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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