the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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