if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
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