somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
