I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
