im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
