when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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