Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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