I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
