I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
