Someone shit on the floor
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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