D3 body, D1 cock
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
