She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
